|title>[Friday the 13th: The Game]
|title2>[(cycling-link: bind $fear, "A Text Adventure", "Requires Reading", "& Paying Attention", "Put Down the Booze", "Ignore People", "Call Your Mom")!]
[[Start the game!->1]]
<style>
html,body{background:black; background-size: 35%; background-repeat:no-repeat; background-position: right bottom; transition: background 0ms linear;}
tw-hook[name="title"]{color:rgb(0, 110, 15);}
tw-story, tw-expression, tw-link.visited, tw-expression tw-link, tw-expression[name="cycling-link"] tw-link{color:moccasin;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, tw-link:hover tw-expression, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:teal;}
tw-expression[name="cycling-link"]:hover tw-link {color:white}
</style>It is Friday the 13th, The Luck War has ended. You need to get [home]<secret|(click-replace: ?secret)[– wait a minute. Where's home? Why's there hidden links? No time. War. Bad. Home. Good. -(set: $fear to 1)] and fill your stomach.
|sandwich>[War is hungry work.]
You're in luck, a trio of options have manifested! Select your mode of transport home:
|choice>[Pick one of the options below]
[[Straddle the Fire Hydrant->2.1]]
[[Ride the Camel->2.2]]
[[Mount the Jockey->2.3]]
(if: $fear is "Call Your Mom")[[Have Your Mom Pick You Up->5.37]](if: $fear is "Requires Reading")[[Jump in the Hole?->1.1]]The hydrant is silly and wet!
He drops you off in the SEWER. The sewer people adopt you! How lucky!
|choice>[How do you conquer?]
[[Be the Queen->3.1]]
[[Be the Visier->3.2]]The camel is bumpy and it hurts your butt.
He takes you to the medical tent where the drugs make you pass out. When you wake, you’re inside a golden cage on a moving cart.
An ornery parrot stares at you.
|choice>[It’s already annoying you:]
[[Teach the parrot to shut up->3.3]]
[[Teach the parrot a new word->3.4]]The jockey is mad and calls the cops!
The judge sentences you to the jockey gulag! The jockey foreman gives you a jockey helmet and a … jockey pickax?
|choice>[Where do you channel your therapist’s advice?]
[[Big Stupid Rocks->3.5]]
[[Little Stupid People->3.6]]The people never needed a Queen. They [begrudgingly shower you with silver.]<secret| (click-replace: ?secret)[turn a blind eye to you stealing the silver.(set: $fate to 1)]
They hate you after six hours. By national decree they vote to shoot you into the stratosphere.
|choice>[How are you strapped to the rocket?]
[[Leather Bondage->4.1]]
[[Steel Straps->4.2]]The people needed your talents. [They bring gifts of emeralds.]<secret|(click-replace: ?secret)[You steal from the poor and keep their children's feet as trophies.(set: $fate to 1)]
The king becomes jealous and sends you on a perilous mission.
|choice>[This isn't bureaucracy...]
[[Slay the Steel Beast->4.3]]
[[Persuade the Flu to Invade Madagascar->4.4]]You punch the parrot and [she sways but doesn’t fall off her perch]<secret|(click-replace: ?secret)[you take the egg she’s sitting on(set: $fate to 1)]. You don’t see it coming but her cloaca clocks you right in the chin, knocking you backward into an open crate.
The crate is deep and your screams are cut short by the thump of your body onto the operating table.
A voice asks from the operating theater "Where does it hurt?"
|choice>[You shout violently:]
[[Dear god I can feel it chewing inside!!!->4.5]]
[[Save the Brain!!!->4.6]]You start teaching the parrot words while the cart driver isn’t looking. He doesn’t notice until you get to “[Krakatoa]<secret|(click-replace: ?secret)[Sassafrass(set: $fate to 1)]” which is when he turns with a wild look in his eyes.
The driver is furious and sells you to the CandleMaker. She giggles as she prepares to make you into a candle.
|choice>[My style is more of a:]
[[The No Look Johnny Pose->4.7]]
[[The Star Scream Forever Style->4.8]]Oh god the rocks are HUGE but after a month of pickaxing and gruel so are you.
Your muscles are so big that you enter a Mr. Jockey Gulag competition. Ten poses, fifteen rocks, and twelve hours of demonstrated starvation later - you win!
At the afterparty you [lose your guards]<secret|(click-replace: ?secret)[steal some primo lotion(set: $fate to 1)] and find yourself overlooking the parking lot for the judges.
|choice>[Congratulate yourself:]
[[Fast and Furious In the SuperFeratti->4.9]]
[[Ride the HyperCougar™->4.10]]It’s a bloody Sunday and you go on a small but vicious murderspree.
Your bloodrage knows no bounds and soon you’ve [carved a path in slaughter]<secret|(click-replace: ?secret)[collected enough livers for your chianti and fava bean collection(set: $fate to 1)] and made it all the way to the security garage!
Upon seeing your face the guards run. It’s likely they’re calling reinforcements.
|choice>[James Bond would:]
[[Take the Monster Trunk->4.11]]
[[Sneak into Security Cruiser Backseat->4.12]]You shoot into your next life but your clever plan to strap yourself in with leather is coming to fruition.
Your bonds loosen over the ocean and you spend four days at sea. When the pirates pick you up you’re raving.
|choice>[They offer you:]
[[Work->5.1]]
[[Death->5.2]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Partnership->5.3]]
(display: "atwh")The straps hold as the rocket takes you up and up. You gently make it out of the stratosphere but lose steam and crash down in Transylvania.
The vampires are eager.
|choice>[You may initiate yourself as:]
[[An Apprentice->5.4]]
[[A Sacrifice->5.5]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Van Helsing->5.6]]
(display: "atwh")An escort leads you to the far end of the desert. The metal beast is near, you smell fuel and hear a demonic death rattle.
You are given a spear and a towel drenched in yogurt.
|choice>[Good luck?]
[[Pacify->5.7]]
[[Kill->5.8]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Persuade->5.9]]
(display: "atwh")The king shrinks you down to speak with the Virus Monarch, (cycling-link: bind $justice, "Fluuzebel", "Fluuzebel: The Mild Plague Bearer", "Fluuzebel: Bringer of Sick Days", "Fluuzebel: The Contagious Jerk") !
Flu Town is in a frenzy and he needs you to make a decision.
|choice>[Vaccinate your children.]
[[Massacre Madagascar->5.10]]
[[Safeguard Sadagascar->5.11]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Do both? Sure.->5.12]]
(display: "atwh")Your cries whip your new doctors into a surgeristic fury and they immediately tear into your insides.
You’re empty. The annoyed doctors do a pretty bad job of sewing you up. You are discarded into the alleyway.
“Did you bring your eggs?”, the rugged man at the card table asks.
|choice>[This is vegas all over again:]
[[Bet your testicles->5.13]]
[[Only Way to Win is to Not Play->5.14]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[A Huevo El Ranchero!->5.15]]
(display: "atwh")The Patient’s Doctor’s Association has been waiting for a willing donor and they take your groans as legally binding.
They put you in a robot; he’s got treads, a glass globe, and pincers. They’ve underestimated your horsepower and your first move is to blow through the wall and roll down to Jamaica.
|choice>[Hey Mon']
[[You Jammin'->5.16]]
[[You Slammin'->5.17]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Booty Eggs a Rockin'->5.18]]
(display: "atwh")The CandleMaker bends you over, ties your legs behind your torso, slaps your hands over your eyes, and poses you opposite a horde of vikings before dousing you with molten wax.
You wake up two hundred years later as a mischievous bully child lights a pack of matches under your nose. The sneeze shoots wax from every crevice, dislodging you from your candle.
|choice>[What’s your deal man?]
[[Head for Irish Burger Sensation `"MacDonnies"`->5.19]]
[[Choke the Kid->5.20]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Introduce the kid to the Ol’ Sassafrass->5.21]]
(display: "atwh")The CandleMaker straps a jetpack to you and before she can pour the wax you shoot through the roof.
You fall 40 feet and land on a giant snail |subtext>[(the squishy part)]. Straddling his body |subtext>[(the squishy part)] you look back to his shell; it’s labeled “Hypoallergenic”.
The snail speaks up to you |subtext>[(from the squishy part)].
|choice>[Where to now?]
[[Into the Sunset, Bullseye!->5.22]]
[[Back to the Battle->5.23]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[The Snail is a Liar and You’re Allergic->5.24]]
(display: "atwh")You rev the engine and squeal the tires as you blow out the eardrums of anyone lucky enough to eat your dust.
Racing in your SuperFeraunchy you see a Merc-Johnnies – The only sandwich joint for hungry mercenaries!™ You wheel into the parking lot and see the crowd outside looks to be gettin’ conflicty.
[[Smash the Orc->5.25]]
[[Smash the Dork->5.26]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Do Donuts for Tips->5.27]]
(display: "atwh")Being a literal cougar, it growls deep from within its furry HateMouth™. You silently make peace with your maker and then hers just for good measure.
The HyperCougar™ lets loose a roar of TerrorLightning™ to declare she's hungry.
|choice>[Level the playing ground]
[[Challenge it to Scrabble->5.28]]
[[Challenge it to Anti-Monopoly->5.29]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Grease Yourself Up With Lotion->5.30]]
(display: "atwh")You realize that wasn't a misspelling.
It licks its wooden chops and bellows “ALL ABOARD” as it swallows you whole. When you land you are confronted by a collection of monster suitcases, monster hatboxes, and monster handbags - a containers-with-teeth-family!
|choice>[They offer you tea:]
[[Set up a Garage Sale->5.31]]
[[Take the Tea->5.32]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Slam the Liver on the Table->5.33]]
(display: "atwh")The guards flood the garage but miss you in the back of one of the cruisers.
After six hours of driving the guard in your car doesn’t look back once before he decides to call it quits. He drives to the nearest interstellar strip club to blow off some steam.
|choice>[Well, I mean you're here..]
[[Put in Some Hair Gel and Fake Tanner->5.34]]
[[Put on your Beanie and Thick-rim Glasses->5.35]]
(if: $fate is 1)[[Offer the Chef Smoking Outside the Liver->5.36]]
(display: "atwh")They give you a sandwich for sustenance:
|number>[`#`01]|sandwich>[The Moist Monsieur]
|choice>[Congratulations! You've earned:]
A common class sandwich comprised of the last of your rations, leg meat, and a vigorous splash of salt water. Perfect for hot days without shade.
(set: $v1 to $v1 + 1)(if: $v1 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: darkcyan;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:LightGoldenRodYellow;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>They force you to eat a sandwich:
|number>[`#`02]|sandwich>[Sea-Crusted Salt]
|choice>[The End! You've earned:]
A common class sandwich that's primarily comprised of salt. A lethal amount of salt covered salt. Tragic.
(set: $v2 to $v2 + 1)(if: $v2 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background:Cornsilk;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:DarkSlateGray;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:teal;}
</style>You trade your silver for a sandwich:
|number>[`#`03]|sandwich>[Driftwood Dagwood]
|choice>[Congratulations! You've earned:]
A rare class sandwich with layers of driftwood, water logged rope, the first mate, and a healthy coat of sea mustard.
(set: $v3 to $v3 + 1)(if: $v3 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background:firebrick;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:burlywood;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:tomato;}
</style>You are offered a soul-binding sandwich:
|number>[`#`04]|sandwich>[Bloodogna on White Bread]
|choice>[Congratulations! You're immortal:]
A common class sandwich made from pure life essence and the other thing available at the 24/7 deli - Wonder Bread. Welcome to the Vampirehood.
(set: $v4 to $v4 + 1)(if: $v4 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: gainsboro;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:ghostwhite;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You lay down and become a sandwich:
|number>[`#`05]|sandwich>[The Coffin Club]
|choice>[Congratulations! You're a meal:]
A common class sandwich comprised of layers of sacrifices, |secret>[[[melted cheese->5.40]]] and sheets of wood. Lightly buttered with the screams of the dying and memories of your family; you have become the sandwich.
(set: $v5 to $v5 + 1)(if: $v5 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: red;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:darkred;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
tw-hook[name="sandwich"]:hover tw-link{border-bottom: none;}
</style>You weaponize a sandwich:
|number>[`#`06]|sandwich>[The Silver Souvlaki]
|choice>[Vengence is yours:]
A rare class sandwich made from meat grilled on silver spears wrapped in pita and served into the heart of Dragula. You manage to keep from eating this long enough to save humankind with it.
(set: $v6 to $v6 + 1)(if: $v6 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: lightblue;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:mintcream;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You fashion a middle eastern classic sandwich:
|number>[`#`07]|sandwich>[The Sandy Madamé]
|choice>[Welcome to the trailer park:]
A common class sandwich made from fried sand, two sand cakes, a sand jelly, and topped with a sand egg. It's a sign of dehydrated peace among desert goers.
(set: $v7 to $v7 + 1)(if: $v7 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: floralwhite;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:darkkhaki;}
tw-hook[name="sandwich"]{text-shadow:
rgba(0,0,0,0.15) 10px 10px 25px;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:teal;}
</style>You prepare an ancient sandwich:
|number>[`#`08]|sandwich>[Shwarma Hulud]
|choice>[Congratulations! Stared death in the face:]
A common class sandwich that attracts a Shai Hulud. The colossal worm-like creature devours the metal beast and bellows thanks as it descend. Your towel is now out of yogurt.
(set: $v8 to $v8 + 1)(if: $v8 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: blanchedalmond;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:saddlebrown;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:goldenrod;}
</style>You form a plan which - uses your sandwich:
|number>[`#`09]|sandwich>[Emerald Eggs and Ham]
|choice>[Congratulations! You made great relations!]
A rare class sandwich
Two eggs with ham slice
Slammed right in the mouth-hitch
What a befriending device!
(set: $v9 to $v9 + 1)(if: $v9 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: mistyrose;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:seagreen;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You deliver a sandwich of death:
|number>[`#`10]|sandwich>[The Dysentarian]
|choice>[Fascinating. You've weaponized:]
A common class sandwich infected with Shigella topped with fever, abdominal pain, spinach, and a feeling of incomplete defecation.
(set: $v10 to $v10 + 1)(if: $v10 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: olivedrab;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:greenyellow;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You plead worthlessly for a sandwich:
|number>[`#`11]|sandwich>[The ½ Pound of Emotions on Rye]
|choice>[Congratulations? You've settled on:]
A common class sandwich drenched in sadness, layered with anger, topped with fear with a pinch of chili-infused happiness. You save the town at the cost of your psyche.
(set: $v11 to $v11 + 1)(if: $v11 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: dimgray;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:darkgray;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You begrudgingly order a sandwich:
|number>[`#`12]|sandwich>[The NotTheWurst]
|choice>[Sniffle. You're here:]
A rare class sandwich stuffed that’s stuffed with mucus and has has trouble breathing, but can still do its job in satisfying their ungrateful boss's endless hunger. If everyone took the day off the economy would collapse - so I guess you're still going to work.
(set: $v12 to $v12 + 1)(if: $v12 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: khaki;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:darkolivegreen;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You bet it all for a sandwich:
|number>[`#`13]|sandwich>[The Dumpster Double Down]
|choice>[Fascinating. You've really done it again:]
A common class sandwich made from impending despair, your own testicles, and a long conversation with your wife about where the savings went. You'll tell your uneducated children about this sandwich for the rest of your life.
(set: $v13 to $v13 + 1)(if: $v13 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: rebeccapurple;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:pink;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>The man slanders you with a sandwich:
|number>[`#`14]|sandwich>[Yellow Bellied Tuna Fish Salad]
|choice>[Sigh. You've sadly acquired:]
A common class sandwich made from fresh water yellow tuna and your inability to act on anything. Oftern served to someone running away and best enjoyed laying awake at 4am convincing yourself you'll do... something next time.
(set: $v14 to $v14 + 1)(if: $v14 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: yellow;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:midnightblue;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You viciously trade the egg for a sandwich:
|number>[`#`15]|sandwich>[Huevos Rancheros de la Muerte]
|choice>[Brutal. You've weaponized:]
A rare class sandwich made from bashing the friendly man at the table in the face with a bird egg, finding tortillas in the trash, and fresh salsa fresca. Mexican classic with a twist.
(set: $v15 to $v15 + 1)(if: $v15 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: maroon;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:orange;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You are greeted with a sandwich:
|number>[`#`16]|sandwich>[The Jammin'boree]
|choice>[Congrats! Now eat child:]
A common class sandwich comprised of slow-broiled jungle jams, upbeat reggae jams, a pinch of dancehall jam, and a hint of ska & dub. Rolled up and smoked gently on the beach.
(set: $v16 to $v16 + 1)(if: $v16 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: firebrick;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:gold;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You are greeted with a sandwich:
|number>[`#`17]|sandwich>[The Banana Bumboclaat]
|choice>[Congrats! Now eat child:]
A common class sandwich comprised of a banana wrapped in a cloth covered in sand. You get the feeling they don't like robots invading and it may not be their best work.
(set: $v17 to $v17 + 1)(if: $v17 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: gold;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color: darkgreen;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You introduce them to a sandwich:
|number>[`#`18]|sandwich>[The Eggajuanawich]
|choice>[Congrats! Now eat child:]
A rare class sandwich made from cooking northeastern parrot eggs in motor oil then smoking them over a bushel of marijuana plants. You bridge cultures with your creation. World peace is one stoned step closer.
(set: $v18 to $v18 + 1)(if: $v18 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: darkgreen;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color: gold;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You order a sandwich off the dollar menu:
|number>[`#`19]|sandwich>[The McCluckin Fuckbang]
|choice>[Prepare yourself:]
A common class sandwich birthed from classified chicken mating secrets that are rumored to be illegal in 36 states. This sandwich gives you the ol bedroom eyes - get ready, it’s about to fuck flavor directly into your mouth.
(set: $v19 to $v19 + 1)(if: $v19 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: gold;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:maroon;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You make the kid into a sandwich:
|number>[`#`20]|sandwich>[The Long Harbored Bitterness]
|choice>[Eat and fuel the rage:]
A common class sandwich built from years of forced solitude, self-indulgent regret, a kid with ignorant parents, and topped with wrong place / wrong time. Served with undue justice and unasked-for pickles.
(set: $v20 to $v20 + 1)(if: $v20 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: peachpuff;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:darkgreen;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You introduce the brat to a classic sandwich:
|number>[`#`21]|sandwich>[The Deep Fried Cementwich]
|choice>[Ssssssshhhhhhh:]
A rare class sandwich made by popular by construction sites in the 30s. It starts with a nice think layer of cement, followed by a layer of missing person, and finished with $100 to the foreman.
(set: $v21 to $v21 + 1)(if: $v21 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: gainsboro;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:dimgray ;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>It gives you a romantic sandwich:
|number>[`#`22]|sandwich>[A Thoroughly White Picket Experience]
|choice>[Congratulations! You earned:]
A common class sandwich built with bacon, lettuce, tomato, aspirations, hope, dreams, and a nuclear family on the side. You settle down with the snail and live happily ever after on the plains of Nebraska.
(set: $v22 to $v22 + 1)(if: $v22 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: LightBlue ;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:white;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You stop by a sandwich shop first:
|number>[`#`23]|sandwich>[The Assassination of Archduke Ferdinand]
|choice>[Congratulations! You started a war:]
A common class sandwich from Moritz Schiller’s delicatessen that might have started WWI. Perfect for hunkering down under German siege cannon fire. Make sure you hold the rats, dead bodies, mustard gas, friendly fire, and Bolshevism.
(set: $v23 to $v23 + 1)(if: $v23 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: honeydew ;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:darkolivegreen;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>When life gives you allergies, make a sandwich:
|number>[`#`24]|sandwich>[The EscarGyro]
|choice>[Congratulations! You solved your problem:]
A rare class sandwich made from salt-curing a snail. Suddenly your allergies are cleared up. With a full stomach and a clear nose you stroll guilt-free off into the sunset.
(set: $v24 to $v24 + 1)(if: $v24 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: darkslateblue ;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:gold;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You are beaten into a sandwich:
|number>[`#`25]|sandwich>[The Fist O'Wich]
|choice>[Oooooh! This didn't end well:]
A common class sandwich that's the big brother of the knuckle sandwich. Made with layers of your skull, your own tongue, half your teeth, and the orc's fist. Topped off with orc urine and the degrading squeal of someone keying your SuperFernchetti. Delicious!
(set: $v25 to $v25 + 1)(if: $v25 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: orangered ;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:lemonchiffon;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You are beaten into a sandwich:
|number>[`#`26]|sandwich>[The Angry Midwife]
|choice>[Ooooohhhh! That wasn't a dork:]
A common class sandwich that comes in a compact form but is not short on flavor. The taste hits you directly in the groin and you feel like you might not be able to have any children. Seconds is surprisingly tempting.
(set: $v26 to $v26 + 1)(if: $v26 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: papayawhip ;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:salmon;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
tw-hook[name="sandwich"]{text-shadow:
rgba(0,0,0,0.15) 10px 10px 25px;}
</style>You turn the parking lot into a sandwich:
|number>[`#`27]|sandwich>[A Handful of Orphans]
|choice>[YOU’RE A FUEL GUZZLING MONSTER:]
A rare class sandwich made from unleashing 1200 horsepower in 1000 square feet. The children [(oh god... you didn't think of the children)]<subtext| inside the restaurant look on as you murder grind their parents into a spaghetti and asphalt sandwich.
(set: $v27 to $v27 + 1)(if: $v27 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: lemonchiffon;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:crimson;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
tw-hook[name="sandwich"]{text-shadow:
rgba(0,0,0,0.15) 10px 10px 25px;}
</style>You chop up vowels and letters into a sandwich:
|number>[`#`28]|sandwich>[The Word Salad]
|choice>[Mmmmmm! Ambrosial!:]
An aspirational but hopelessly antediluvian sandwich locum, your discomfiture in dereliction of duty should need no elucidation; but illuminate your impotent endeavor I shall. What we have here, starkly, is an inefficacious mangling of not solely the component parts of this most personal abomination of abhorrent ineptitude, but conjointly a plain paucity of discernment between items of a sandwich persuasion and those with strictly salad signification. Please consign your likely exiguous justification for this egregious opprobrium or see your abode and station set to HyperConflagration™ in ignominy.
(set: $v28 to $v28 + 1)(if: $v28 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: darkslategray;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:honeydew;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You are forced to buy a sandwich:
|number>[`#`29]|sandwich>[The Social Hypocrite Disaster Incident]
|choice>[Stupid Capitalists!:]
A common class sandwich that you're forced to buy because 'The Man' has bought all the mom & pop shops in town. It's processed, soulless, and identically delicious to the one down the street. If you didn't have to eat then you wouldn't have to succumb to their dirty tactics but also HyperCougar™ Fries are the best in town.
(set: $v29 to $v29 + 1)(if: $v29 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: red ;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:MediumSpringGreen;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You wrestle the beast into a sandwich:
|number>[`#`30]|sandwich>[The Cattails and Caterwaul]
|choice>[Congratulations! You've earned this:]
A rare class sandwich that is a northern take on the southern classic "The Cat Wrestler". This version requires a live HyperCougar™, sixty potato buns, and healthy coating of lotion. It’s an Appalachian remedy for whatever ails you, inside or out.
(set: $v30 to $v30 + 1)(if: $v30 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: darkgreen;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:lightgreen;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You stack everything up until it's a sandwich:
|number>[`#`31]|sandwich>[The B.L.T.P.T.W.T.A.C.W.A.H.T.]
|choice>[DICENDUM BON SARCINAS DENTATA:]
A common class sandwich that is a combination of everything in the room. A brassy yet leathery morsel that follows with a wooden aftertaste; The name is short for "Bacon Lettuce Tomato Plus Trunk With Teeth And Children Who Also Have Teeth".
(set: $v31 to $v31 + 1)(if: $v31 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: darkgoldenrod;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:NavajoWhite;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You bore a loaf of bread into a sandwich:
|number>[`#`32]|sandwich>[The Toast Sandwich]
|choice>[I guess this is the end:]
A common class sandwich that is a reflection on how boring of a person you are. The physical incarnation of Milquetoast, this is just three pieces of bread stacked on top of each other. At least the carbs will keep you warm in the bleak frigid tundra that is your personality.
(set: $v32 to $v32 + 1)(if: $v32 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: silver;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:white;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You make your opening statement a sandwich:
|number>[`#`33]|sandwich>[Liver, I Hardly Know Her]
|choice>[Congratulations! Objection!:]
A rare class sandwich presented as the prosecution’s first piece of evidence. You know goddamn well one of these trunks murdered those people and you’re gonna make goddamn sure they go away for a very long time. Even if you have to plant evidence, like that pickax you saw. Or that collection of chianti. Or those fava beans. Justice will be served.
(set: $v33 to $v33 + 1)(if: $v33 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: rebeccapurple;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:burlywood;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You look up at a sorrowful sandwich:
|number>[`#`34]|sandwich>[The Churlish Lady Ham]
|choice>[Eeeewwwwwwww?:]
A common class sandwich that looks at you with disgust as you sit down in front of it. There's real sadness there but that doesn't stop it from calling security when you pick it up.
(set: $v34 to $v34 + 1)(if: $v34 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: pink;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:crimson;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You gander delicately upon a sandwich:
|number>[`#`35]|sandwich>[The Georgia O’Keefe]
|choice>[Hey Dad, What's This?:]
A common class sandwich that is as voluptuous as it is alluring. Its floral lines and strokes will lure any hunger, instinctual or inanition. Made from layered curtains of roast beef , clam sauce, and tunafish wrapped gently in a tortilla.
(set: $v35 to $v35 + 1)(if: $v35 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: crimson;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:pink;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You get a small baggie containing a sandwich:
|number>[`#`36]|sandwich>[The Peruvian Quarter-Pounder]
|choice>[Take it slow, kid:]
A rare class sandwich which does allow for the mouth to possibly, in some given circumstance without a possibility and indeed in the face of conceivably but hence certainly not impaired judgement, enjoy without circumspect doubt or questioning of the state of said judgement cum discernment on par with the greatest minds of our vaunted generation wherein the most potent flavors so far known are thus stood upon to deliberate on how to lay such capable groundwork for future consumption.
(set: $v36 to $v36 + 1)(if: $v36 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: red;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:white;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>[[$master / 40 endings discovered->total]]|chapter>[Chapter (random: 1,100)][[[Restart?->Home]]]<restart||choice>[and you remember.]
[Home]<secret|(click-replace: ?secret)[The Metaphor] is where the sandwich is.
(set: $fate to 0)(set: $fear to 0)
|choice>[The End.]
[[Restart->Home]][[Home->Home]] Reset(click:"Reset")[(reload:)]
|sandwich>[Statistics]
A Twine game
Designed by Andrew Maruska
Written by Evan Stark.
|stats>[
[[Ending 1]<choice|
$v1 (if: $v1 > 0)[[[View->5.1]]]<title|]
[[Ending 2]<choice|
$v2 (if: $v2 > 0)[[[View->5.2]]]<title|]
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$v7 (if: $v7 > 0)[[[View->5.7]]]<title|]
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$v8 (if: $v8 > 0)[[[View->5.8]]]<title|]
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$v9 (if: $v9 > 0)[[[View->5.9]]]<title|]
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$v10 (if: $v10 > 0)[[[View->5.10]]]<title|]
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[[Ending 12]<choice|
$v12 (if: $v12 > 0)[[[View->5.12]]]<title|]
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$v14 (if: $v14 > 0)[[[View->5.14]]]<title|]
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$v15 (if: $v15 > 0)[[[View->5.15]]]<title|]
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$v17 (if: $v17 > 0)[[[View->5.17]]]<title|]
[[Ending 18]<choice|
$v18 (if: $v18 > 0)[[[View->5.18]]]<title|]
[[Ending 19]<choice|
$v19 (if: $v19 > 0)[[[View->5.19]]]<title|]
[[Ending 20]<choice|
$v20 (if: $v20 > 0)[[[View->5.20]]]<title|]
[[Ending 21]<choice|
$v21 (if: $v21 > 0)[[[View->5.21]]]<title|]
[[Ending 22]<choice|
$v22 (if: $v22 > 0)[[[View->5.22]]]<title|]
[[Ending 23]<choice|
$v23 (if: $v23 > 0)[[[View->5.23]]]<title|]
[[Ending 24]<choice|
$v24 (if: $v24 > 0)[[[View->5.24]]]<title|]
[[Ending 25]<choice|
$v25 (if: $v25 > 0)[[[View->5.25]]]<title|]
[[Ending 26]<choice|
$v26 (if: $v26 > 0)[[[View->5.26]]]<title|]
[[Ending 27]<choice|
$v27 (if: $v27 > 0)[[[View->5.27]]]<title|]
[[Ending 28]<choice|
$v28 (if: $v28 > 0)[[[View->5.28]]]<title|]
[[Ending 29]<choice|
$v29 (if: $v29 > 0)[[[View->5.29]]]<title|]
[[Ending 30]<choice|
$v30 (if: $v30 > 0)[[[View->5.30]]]<title|]
[[Ending 31]<choice|
$v31 (if: $v31 > 0)[[[View->5.31]]]<title|]
[[Ending 32]<choice|
$v32 (if: $v32 > 0)[[[View->5.32]]]<title|]
[[Ending 33]<choice|
$v33 (if: $v33 > 0)[[[View->5.33]]]<title|]
[[Ending 34]<choice|
$v34 (if: $v34 > 0)[[[View->5.34]]]<title|]
[[Ending 35]<choice|
$v35 (if: $v35 > 0)[[[View->5.35]]]<title|]
[[Ending 36]<choice|
$v36 (if: $v36 > 0)[[[View->5.36]]]<title|]
[[Ending 37]<choice|
$v37 (if: $v37 > 0)[[[View->5.37]]]<title|]
[[Ending 38]<choice|
$v38 (if: $v38 > 0)[[[View->5.38]]]<title|]
[[Ending 39]<choice|
$v39 (if: $v39 > 0)[[[View->5.39]]]<title|]
[[Ending 40]<choice|
$v40 (if: $v40 > 0)[[[View->5.40]]]<title|]]
<style>
html,body{background:blue;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:mistyrose;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You are awarded a participation sandwich:
|number>[`#`37]|sandwich>[A Pile of Sod]
|choice>[Congratulations? You've barely earned:]
A plebian class sandwich manufactured by the boomer generation. Zero sustenance paired with years of therapy.
(set: $v37 to $v37 + 1)(if: $v37 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background:wheat;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:sienna;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:lightsalmon;}
</style>Vou travel a long vhay for ve sandvhich:
|number>[`#`40]|sandwich>[Ze Philly Cheese Stake]
|choice>[Vhat de fuvk is zis:]
A mythic class sandvich comprised of ... vhait ... Vou came all ze vhay from Transylvania to PENNSYLVANIA FOR ZIS?! WHO LIKES ZEESE?! VHERE’S ZE BLOOD?
(set: $v40 to $v40 + 1)(if: $v40 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: darkred;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:red;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>The harvest is good this year:
|number>[`#`38]|sandwich>[Potato]
|choice>[Congratulations? The Communism is going well:]
A mythic class sandwich, it is the culmination of forty years of work, breaking down man and dog into the component pieces that would make the Machine whole. Finally, you feel justified in the millions you’ve had murdered or placed into labor camps. Yes, this mealy little tuber is the most delicious thing you’ve ever seen as head of state; you just hope there’s enough for the rest of the people.
(set: $v38 to $v38 + 1)(if: $v38 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background:sienna;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:wheat;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:lightsalmon;}
</style>A sandwich is forcefully narrated into your hands:
|number>[`#`39]|sandwich>[Dude Where’s My Sandwich]
|choice>[You really earned this one:]
A mythic class sandwich made mostly of not knowing when to leave well alone. There’s probably a healthy dose of transexual hookers and alien cows but you’re the one who saw the movie so I’m gonna need you to fill in the blanks here.
(set: $v39 to $v39 + 1)(if: $v39 is 1)[(set: $master to $master + 1)]
(display: "SandwichFooter")
<style>
html,body{background: DarkSlateBlue ;}
tw-story,tw-link, tw-link.visited,tw-hook[name="secret"]{color:thistle;}
tw-link:hover, tw-link.visited:hover, .enchantment-link tw-hook[name="secret"]:hover {color:white;}
</style>You fall through the hole to land in the corner of a nicely furnished room. The walls are adorned with forest green paisley wallpaper and golden filigreed portraits of unfortunately-groomed dogs. The waft of well-smoked cigars livens your nostrils and you look around for the source. You see a table of poker is set up in the far corner of the room. Underneath, a cadre of hounds lounges. You can hear the murmurs of torpid disagreement.
|choice>[Side with Team Milked Bones or Team Femer Fever?]
(link-reveal: "Petunia")[ immediately whimpers when you pet her]
(link-reveal: "Groucho")[ rolls onto his face and does a mustache stand]
(link-reveal: "Whiskers")[ stares off into the distance poignantly as he reminisces about his long lost testicles]
(link-reveal: "Fido")[ leaps up to your face]
(link-reveal: "Max")[ rolls onto his belly and shimmies]
(link-reveal: "Lenin")[ growls appreciatively and inducts you without ceremony into the Party of the People.
He hustles you behind a secret door through a short tunnel, briefing you in gruff barks on the coming revolution and that you have been chosen to usher in the new age. He nudges you with his short snout through a red curtain into a blinding light. You blink and squint and see that you’re at the top of a massive hall. As your eyes adjust the panting of ten-thousand maws becomes ten-thousand oppressed canines. The deflea-ed masses wait with stinking, bated breath. You are the dog now, man.
Whip Them into a Socialist Fury (click-replace: "Whip Them into a Socialist Fury")[You brew up a speech about the nationalisation of healthcare, the hurt done in the name of Bob Barker, and the greediness of all things human. The hounds are eating it up and quickly things get out of hand. After about 3 minutes your furry constituents are utterly berserk and somedog opens the doors far below to release the flood. Your guards on the balcony throw you onto the wave of fur and spittle and the hounds seethe victoriously out the door.
Bark At The Capitalist Moon (click-replace: "Bark At The Capitalist Moon")[You shoot into the open air and gasp at the view around you. From your vantage point at the top of a great hill you can see the countryside all around. The horde, a veritable canine ocean extends miles in every direction. You are foisted above the crowd to a grand platform with a throne. Seemingly without direction you are carried with the pack as they head toward a great capital, Paris.
The pack picks up speed as you approach the city. (click-replace: "The pack picks up speed as you approach the city. ")[Impossibly quick you are seated in Versailles, accepting the terms of surrender to your dictatorship. The hound horde howls ferociously as you move the Great Revolution to the rest of the major capitals of the world, uniting its entirety under your new doggy doctrine of fairness. It may take years to align it all properly but you know in the end your efforts are for the greatest good.
[[Reap the dicktater’s reward->5.38]]
]]]]
<style>
tw-enchantment, tw-enchantment.visited, .enchantment-link{
color: teal;
text-decoration-color: #218380;
border-bottom: none;
opacity: 1;
transition: color 400ms linear;
font-weight:normal;
outline: none;
}
tw-enchantment:hover, tw-enchantment.visited:hover, .enchantment-link:hover{
color: orange;
border-bottom: 1px solid currentColor;
opacity: 1;
}
</style>Oh.
I guess you uh, become a pirate or something. You, you go on grand adventures, and maybe you kill somebody?
No no of course uh you let them live like the extremely tough pirate you are. The other pirates definitely respect you which must be why they eventually left you at port - they knew you could take care of yourself. And you met a wife and she was nice and you had between 1 and 1.5 children and things were alright.
[[And then what happened?->8.1]]Hmmm well fine I mean you guys probably argued - you were a fuckin’ pirate. Divorce was inevitable and you know how the courts always side with the mother and before you knew it you were out on the street.
After begging for change on the side of the road for three years you started to see the fog; it was time, yessir, that old bell is clangin and the big man done punched that card and you laid down on the side of the road to let nature take its course.
[[And then?->9.1]]Uhhhfuck ok you get up because the road is a bad place for people.
You get up and walk with the people to revive your spirit but the people are tiring.
You take a break from the bustle, stopping by a water fountain, to ponder out the rest of your days, in thought, lesson learned.
[[AND THEN?->10.1]]From out of the crowd a large man with a classy straw hat and furious eyebrows runs up to you and yells, “VAI JUMS IR MANS KAĶIS?” You look at him, understanding none of it but his hands are moving fast and his mouth is getting violent.
“KAS JŪS DARĪJAT AR MANU KAĶU, KĀPĒC LIETOTĀJIEM LIETOTU KAĶI”, he continues, really leaning into it. You’re pretty sure he’s mad and not getting less mad.
“KĀDU VIRZIŅU VĒRTS JŪS KAUTIS MURDERERIS!!” Now you’re sure he’s blaming you for something |subtext>[(mainly from the finger pointing)] and that he plans to do something about it |subtext>[(mainly from the gun around which the finger is pointed)].
[[ATWH?->11.1]]The man bursts into tears on your shoulder when suddenly some cat comes up and licks his tears and the land rejoices for the lovers were reunited! Yes that’s the end of the story, this guy gets to go back to fuckin’ his cat and the cat thinks it’s cool and that’s the moral of the story guys, don’t lose your cats.
Yup that’s a wrap, everyone got what they wanted and nobody else dies, ever, so that’s a pretty good time to stop ok.
[[... and then what happens ...->5.39]](if: $fear is "Requires Reading")[[and then what happened?->7.1]]<!-- Global site tag (gtag.js) - Google Analytics -->
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